How to Survive Thanksgiving

I may only be 24 years old, but I’ve had more than 24 thanksgivings. I usually attend thanksgiving multiple times each year. It’s usually a combination of my father’s, some at my mother’s, some at friends and extended family. You could say that I have more experience than the Pilgrims.

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time as long as you know what you’re doing. Here are a few tips to help survive Thanksgiving.

  1. Do not talk about politics. Politics are evil and will always cause a fight. Let the politicians battle it out.
  2. Mingle with everyone. Don’t find one person to talk to, work the room. The more people you talk to, the more fond they’ll be of you.
  3. Limit your consumption. Most of you want to be alcoholics on Thanksgiving and that’s fine, but not in front of your family. There’s nothing more embarrassing than your cousin blacking out and throwing up all over the floor with Grandma gazing from the head of the table. In college it’s OK to do keg stands and then suddenly wake up in the middle of a competing school’s field wearing nothing but a toga and a headache. During thanksgiving, it’s not.
  4. Ignore subjects remotely touchy. Not much else needed to be said here. Avoid the pitfall.
  5. Nod your head and agree. Sometimes it’s worth it to forgo your inner debater. Things can get ugly when you disagree, especially when it’s family or the in-laws. Ignorance is bliss.
  6. In the words of TK, spend it with someone else’s family.
  7. If the turkey is undercooked (or anything else is wrong) and you’re at a republicans house, blame it on Obama.

How to not Survive Thanksgiving

  1. Chug, chug, chug! Get absolutely plastered to the wall hammered. That’s right, shotgun beers with your grandpa, do keg stands with your Uncle. Whatever you do, don’t let them drink you under the table or you’ll look like a pussy.
  2. Curse like a sailor. Girls seem to swoon over Captain Jack Sparrow (who’s also an alcoholic, see #1), so why shouldn’t the be swooning over you? Because you’re not fucking cursing enough.
  3. Take it from Joel B. Pollak of Fox News: How To Survive Thanksgiving At Your Liberal Relatives. Don’t actually do this, that guy is an asshole.
  4. Disagree and argue your point! Are you pro-life and they are making a pro-choice statement? Don’t let them get away with it, challenge them to a duel! Argue them to the death.
  5. If the turkey is undercooked (or anything else is wrong) and you’re at a republicans house, blame it onthe GOP.
Finally, use the Julienne rule: whoever gets caught texting or is on their phone at the table has to clean everything up.

You should follow me on Twitter, where I may or may not be live-tweeting thanksgiving.

 

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